Tuesday, December 29, 2009
"Madam, what is the matter," the hostess asked.
"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class."
Before the woman could say anything,the hostess continued:
"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."
She turned to the black man, and said,"Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class."
At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.
It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is Going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man Responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more Wood.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.' The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely, ' The Man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy...’
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
1. You drink only on Monday, Wednesday , and Thurday to Sunday evenings. And try not drinking on Tuesday.
2. Treating a friend means - Daaru Shaaru te kabbab shabaab.
3. Even in the most posh colonies, you hear, "Aaloo lelo !!!, Bhindi le lo !!!! Pyaaz le lo !!!!, Tamatar le lo......"
4. And you hear women asking the vegetable vendor "Bhaiyaa dhaniya hari mirchi nahi diya!" [Even with Half a kilo Carrot - Dhania & Hari Mirch is expected free ] ;-)
5. A place to meet is Mocha, (CCD), Barista, Hookah.
6. You use the word "setting" or "jugaad" at-least once a day.
7. You have not visited either of - Qutub Minar, Red Fort, Lotus Temple . It is only for tourists, so Delhiites say.
8. You ride on the cycle rickshaw in NOIDA (more populary known as NEODA) - haggle over the price, but still pity rickshaw walla's condition and give him what he asked.
9. You glare at people who call Gol Guppas as Pani Puri!
10. You always ask the vendor "Bhaiya yeh Gol-Guppe Aate ki hai ya Sooji ke?"
12. You have been to a wedding at a Mehrauli farmhouse at least once.
13. You understand all important words in Punjabi & punjabi "helping verbs" like teri maa di, teri bahen di... oye madar @#$% ... oye bahen @#$$. Almost every Delhiite understands Punjabi to an extent. PUNJABI unites everyone.
14. You call the waiter in the restaurant "boss" or "Pappey" & tack on "yaar" "bhai" to almost every sentence.
15. You know that Pappay Da Dhaba or Kake Da Hotel has better butter chicken than Taj. You've at least tried it once! And you see a BMW, a Porsche OR a Mercedes parked outside it!
16. You describe practically every other person on the planet as "Vella". ('Idle' or Nikamma in Punjabi).
17. You see middle-aged Aunties wearing Gucci shades and holding LV bags having Gol-Gappas in GK or Bhelpuri in South Ex along with Diet Coke !
18. You call every stranger 'Bhaiyya'.
19. You refer to East Delhi as 'Jamuna Paar'.
20. You refer to AIIMS as Medical.
22. Aashiq mizaz boys as Majnu di Aulad !
23. You dont buy tickets for a music concert or cricket match, but try to use political contacts... of the deputy secretary of the chief secretary of the Minister of State for Khadi.
24. You overtake everyone from the wrong side and stare into his/her eyes while doing so.
25. You have at least two cars and a motorbike at home.
26. And you have fought at least once every month with neighbors over parking...
27. You park your Car and take a Auto-rickshaw to Lajpat Nagar / Rajouri/ Kamla Nagar/ Karol Bagh. But CP, you don't get parking space easily, yet you go always in your own vehicle.
28. And then you say apni Kanvense (conveyance) howe na ta badi Kanvinyance (convenience) hondi hai ji !!!!!
29. You've hit 120 kmph at Nelson Mandela Marg and waited for midnight to do it.
30. You have bribed a traffic cop (Mama) at least once, every month.
32. You use "contacts" (jugaad) for everything, from getting movie tickets to restaurant bookings to play-school admissions.
33. You have had Anda parantha outside Vikram hotel and Bun Omlette at Dhaula Kuan, Kulfi at Karol Bagh, Gol Gappe at India Gate, Dosa at Madras Hotel, Chana/Kulcha at Scindia House and Chaat at UPSC.
34. Metro rail is your Pride but you travel in your Car.
35. You call people from north east 'chinkis'.
36. You think EVERY South Indian comes from ' Madras ' and is Madrasi.
37. You feel indicating which way you are going to turn your vehicle is an information security leak.
38. You are a good driver coz you are correct in your guess of what the driver in the front vehicle will do.
39. The only time you went to the Chidiya Ghar (Zoo) was on a school picnic.
40. You expect around 10 FM STATIONS in every city! Woho.!
41. DESPITE all the good and bad........You still Love Delhi ...
42. You keep singing ..... Dilli hai Dil Walon ki..... Oye Balle Balle !!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
these silly ppl deactivated the web in mobile of mine.
I was out of office for a week..
enjoying my didi's wedding and enjoying my sleep!
Couldnt update my blog, or FB or Twitter,
Cauz I was also working as my cousin's baby sitter.. :)
Now that Im back, Ill do the posts with a touch of wit
and so I write this silly thing.. cauz I want to write it...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Jao aish karo yaar! :)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The other day I and my cousin went to drop my aunt to the Railway Station. We went to her seat, settled her stuff and then sat down to have those good bye words, “Go safely, don’t eat anything from outsiders, don’t sleep before you reach the station and blah blah…” when suddenly, and I don’t know for which of the above mentioned reasons, came a voice “Aaaachu! Aaachu! Achhhu!” this was just the beginning... people had already started staring at me as if I was some terrorist planting bombs of virus everywhere around me! Uff! “Beta, I think you should go home now…” said my Aunt, feeling awkward by the looks everybody gave me and then her. By now I had sneezed at least 9 times in a row. Usually I carry a handkerchief but that was one day when just forgot it. I had to pick my hanky from the bed where I had kept it in the morning, but by the time we were laving we got so late that I forgot it there in haste. Oh I wished I had a hanky then. It wasn’t that I have a flowing nose when I sneeze but it just looks better if you cover your mouth while you sneeze with a hanky. Sophisticated and all! Anyway my hands were my temporary hanky right now.
Anyway people were killing me with their stares. It was one of those moments when you so strongly wish that the earth would open and swallow you inside!! That was also a moment when I decided that I would write this post about the difference between Swine Flu and Cold or Synus. So here it is. Have a look and remember this before staring at somebody who sneezes. :)
The Funny Leave Applications
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days"
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave"
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10'o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
Some Funny English usage:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below...."
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
"I am enclosed herewith.... "
But I love this one the most!
A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one Around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something To wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Recently it changed its logo on Gandhi Jayanti to Gandhi Ji’s Image. So I was wondering when karwachauth is such a Big and hyped about festival in
Im sure if it wasn’t for the bar code thing, it would have been this! I would have sold it to Google just for about for $5 mn. Hee hee!
P.S: This was made by me. Just meant for fun. No Rights Reserved. :)
Monday, October 5, 2009
Note: In Sheer Appreciation of the ability to sell!
A keen immigrant Indian Gujarati lad applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store.
In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes sir, I was a salesman in Ahmedabad in India ", replied the lad.
The boss liked him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"Sir, Just ONE sale." said the young salesman.
"Only one sale?" blurted the boss, "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way "How much was the sale worth?"
933053.00 pounds" said the young Gujarati.
"What"," How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
So I told him he'd need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to the camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!"
"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary Napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, Your weekend is screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."
Boss - "From tomorrow, You sit in my chair........"
P.S: Thanks to my friend Ashu for this story. :)
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Ok so you had to meet afriend at KFC at 4pm. hmm... you reached at 3:50 pm. Thought you just have to wait for another 10 minutes and your friend would arrive. Cool! Just then you receive a call from him that he hsa just left from home and would take atleast 1 hour to reach. Wht the heck!! What are you gonna do for another hour? Eat! Ofcourse. So you go order a burger for yourself and the huge Bucket of chicken legs too. Why that bucket?? To pass your time. Not by eating them but like... see for yourself!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly,
I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.. 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.' I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and Applause!!!
A week later, a top manager trained by the Motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke At home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to His wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my Wife!"
The wife went; "ahhhh!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second Half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.
Moral of the story...
Don't COPY if you can't PASTE!
Monday, August 31, 2009
A person calls Pizza hut to order a Pizza. This is how the conversation flow is-
Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your...
Customer: Hello, can I order....
Operator : Can I have your multi purpose ID card number first, Sir?
Customer: It's eh..., hold........ ..on...... 889861356102049 998-45-54610
Operator : OK... you're... Mr Kumar and you're calling from 17 Jal Vayu. Your home number is 22678893, your office 25076666 and your mobile is 09869798888.
Customer: How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : We are connected to the system Sir
Customer: May I order your Seafood Pizza...
Operator : That's not a good idea Sir
Customer: How come?
Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir.
Customer: What?? What do you recommend then?
Operator : Try our Low Fat Pizza. You'll like it.
Customer: How do you know for sure?
Operator : You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir. Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : That should be enough for your family of 5, Sir. The total is Rs 500.00
Customer: Can I pay by! credit card?
Operator : I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 23,000.75 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.
Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator : You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.
Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your
Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a
Operator : Is there anything else Sir?
Customer: Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records you'realso diabetic......
Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 2023 you were be convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... .?