Thursday, December 30, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Hey boys! You often wonder "What the hell does she want from me?" I know that question is a mystery that can never be solved, its remains and will always remain the most FAQ and NEVER addressed answer :P
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is “What does a woman want?”
SIGMUND FREUD, Ernest Jones' Sigmund Freud: Life and Work
But here is your chance to win the girl of your dream with some bit of useful information that is common to most of the female species in this world of every age group. Go ahead and read the key to the date you were looking for from so long...
What women want in a man at age 25:
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in a man at age 35:
1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What women want in a man at age 45:
1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What women want in a man at age 55:
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What women want in a man at age 65:
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What women want in a man at age 75:
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Dear My Sapno Ki Rani,
KYA KEHNA the first time I saw you, I asked myself HUM APKE HAIN KAUN, feeling that KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI so I decided to forward you a PUKAR from DIL SE. I thought that by the way HUM TO MOHABBAT KAREGA so with my DIL TO PAGAL HAI, I dream to be your HERO No.1 and I’ll make you my BIWI No.1. You might think that I am fooling you as BADAL but remember JHOOT BOLE KAWA KATE. Please JAANAM SAMJHA KARO that PYAAR KOI KHEL NAHIN and I admit that HUM DIL DE CHUKE SANAM. I trust AAP MERE HAI SANAM. I believe that HUM APKE DIL MEIN REHTE HAIN for HAMESHA. Remember JAB PYAR KISSI SE HOTA HAI why not AA AB LAUT CHALEIN and you can come SAAJAN KI BAHON MEIN. There is SIRF TUM in my life. If you say YES BOSS, then I will become your JORU KA GULAM. Don’t worry be happy, DHOLI SAJA KE RAKHNA because DILWALE DULHANIYA LE JAYENGE. KAHO NA PYAR HAI, MERE SANAM.
Dear Deewana Mastana,
Thank you for your love letter. However I feel HADH KUR DI AAPNE for HUM APKE HAI KAUN? DIL CHAHTA HAI, I should tell you I think you are a JAANWAR and a SHREE 420! I have to tell you I know your MOHABBATEIN are false. How dare you look at me you COOLIE No. 1! If you were here in front of me I’d hit you with my chapple so hard your head will spin with these YAADEIN. You said KUCH KUCH HOTA HAI every time you think of me but I know you feel HASEENA MAAN JAYEGEE to every girl you see. RAM JAANE what I would do to you if I catch you. If you have any KHAUF you will feel DARR from me. You are a KUNWARA leading a RANGEELA lifestyle, with friends saying CHAL MERE BHAI spending all your nights on the SADAK. I am sure the SHOLAY in your heart you say burn for me is nothing but indigestion from too much eating and drinking. Describing yourself as BAADSHAH and HIMMUTVAAR, you sound like JUNGLI to me. You say you want to make me your BIWI No. 1 however I say you lack INSANIYAAT! I can’t believe you think I’ll turn to you and say KAHO NA PYAR HAI! I’d much rather kiss a BICHOO than go near you! Any of AMER AKBAR ANTHONY would be better suited to me than you. DILWALE DULHANIYA LE JAYENGE you said but I say your DIL TO PAGAL HAI. Don’t you realize that ANDAZ APNA APNA and that their can’t be no EK RISHTA between us. We are like a MOHRA in the game of life and it’s always KABHI KHUSHI KABHI GHUM. The open FIZA with its changing weather is testament to that so please leave it as AKELE HUM AKELETUM. Besides I’m already engaged to a guy with ROTI KAPRA AUR MAKAAN. He’s no KHAL NAYAK like you... And he’s my real HERO, my real JIVAN SAATHI. And with him I really know YEAH RAASTE HAI PYAR KE and there can be no space in my ZINDAGI for anyone but him. You’ll only end up causing an AFLATOON because he’s a MAJOR SAHAB in the Army working on the BORDER and he’ll MURDER you if he finds out so save yourself from becoming the foundations of a DEEWAR and leave me alone.
GHAR WALI BHAHAR WALI
Post taken from funonthenet.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Some subtle (and some not so subtle) differences
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Women: Women love cats.
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a singer named Buppi.
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Thank you - funny2.com for the post!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
You see four hatte katte men inside looking at you dangerously and giving a even more dangerous smile. They tie your hands and block your mouth so you cant shout. They then blindfold you and give you chloroform so you go phissssssss.....
Next thing you know is you are in a place, you are completely alien to. You guess correctly its India 'cauz you see the Indian color all around you. How do you guess which part of India you are in? Ill tell you. Look for 2 people fighting with each other and bang on, you'll know where you are. How? Read on!
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are definitely in PUNJAB !!!
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace. The first two get together and beat him up.
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall.
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop because of a virus in the program.
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense.. Peace settles in.
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right.
You are in KOLKATA
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house and says, "don't fight in front of my place, go zum where else and keep fighting".
That's KERALA !
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as friends.
You are in GOA!!!
Thank you Aseem Sir, for the email :)
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team.
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
One Kashmiri = Carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = Carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = Carper Exporters
Four Kashmiris = The Shikara Foundation of Kashmir
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m .
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara.
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum.
Four Bombayites = the number of people
standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.
One Haryanavi = tube light
Two Haryanavi = agriculture
Three haryannavi= Lathi squad
Four haryanavi = actually just one was enough
I received this as an Email, no offense meant. Please take this in a fun spirit, I have no intentions of hurting any community and their sentiments :)
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
''You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the man. 'How did you know?'
''Well", answered the man in the balloon, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The engineer below responded, "You must be in Top Management."
''I am", replied the balloonist, "but, how did you know?''
"Well," said the Engineer,
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems."
Thank you Rajesh for the email :)