"I have said yes shivani." As I read these words on my mobile, I went numb. It struck me as lightening. Like I could not feel myself. It was 30th October 2011, 11:20 pm. It was a message from him. He had said yes for some girl. He would be marrying her soon.
Though I was expecting the 'final thing' to happen any of these days, and I thought I was ready for it, even then, the sms came as a shock. I didn't know what to do. I replied with my numb mind - 'Okay... All the best :)". I could not sit amongst everybody anymore. I went to my bed. My neck was choking. But I could not do anything. I could not cry. I didn't want to share it with anybody. I lied down. I felt my eyes go moist but I didn't want it to flow. I stopped them. I did not cry.
I tried to sleep. I couldn't. Four years of relationship was streaming like a movie in front of my eyes. I felt helpless. Suffocated. I thought I need sleeping pills. I won't be able to sleep ever now. I need pills. May be I should eat some pills and die. I should die.
I tried to sleep again. No negative thoughts Shivani. You're a strong girl. You will move on. Don't think about the past. MOVE ON. Would he be sleeping now? May be he is drinking because he is sad and alone, just like me. Oh wait, he is not alone. He has said yes, means he likes that girl. "I will not marry anyone my parents like, unless I really like her." He had told me. Oh he is NOT alone. He has a new person in his life now. He must be talking to her on phone. My neck choked again. Don't think about it Shivani. Dont think about it. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I could not.
I want to smoke. I can't. I dont have a cigarette. Ill smoke on my way to work tomorrow morning and on my way back to home. I'll smoke everyday now. May be that'll help. NO! Smoking is bad. No smoking. No smoking. Ill be fine. Its okay. Happens. I knew it had to happen. Its okay Shivani. Move on. Dont think about it. Sleep.
Is there an SMS from him on my mobile? I checked my phone. No. Good. How must he be feeling right now? He must be sad too. I'm sure. Yes. Okay. On my way to work tomorrow, Ill speak to him.. oh No. I can't. Its over. Yes Shivani its over. FOREVER. You will never speak to him now. He will never call you now. You will never meet. Ever again. Choking. Deep breath. Deep breath.
I imagined my life without him. It was incomplete. I was a fool to have hopes till 11:19 pm on that Sunday night. I had plans of meeting him over the weekend after my classes. "I have said yes shivani. I have said yes shivani. I have said yes shivani." I repeated this sentence a million times in my head. He has moved on. He likes some other girl. May be its Tina, the girl he met earlier once and liked. I saw her on Facebook. She was pretty. Because he cant say yes to a girl in one meeting. He must have had her in mind from sometime now. Or maybe its that Ghai girl. He has been meeting her recently. May be. Whoever. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT SHIVANI. Just sleep. You have to go for walk tomorrow morning. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.
Its over. Yes accept it. Its over. He has made his choice. He loves his parents. He is a good son. You know that. You always knew that. He had told you. He can't be blamed. I'm not blaming him! I can't. He is a good boy and I respect his decision. I'm okay with it. You have a choice? He has moved on Shivani. He has chosen someone else over you. He has got your substitute. No wait, she is not a substitute, she is a replacement. You have been replaced Shivani. Now move on. It's time. It's over. Be strong. Let go. Move on Shivani. Move on.
